Beautifully Undone
by degrssibyrd
Summary: Clare's life is starting to fall apart all around her.  Her life is being turned upside down and she feels like she is losing everything, but will that include her new boyfriend, Eli? Story from Clare, Eli, and Adam's POV. Reviews are always welcomed!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi or any of its characters. Also, all words written in italics are the lines from this past episode, "Love Lockdown Part. 2" I hope you enjoy! Comments and review are always welcomed by me! Thank you for reading!

The classical music filled the quiet room. We all were awkwardly trying to focus on something other than the other people sitting around the table. Things could not be any tenser in the Edward's household and I knew that my presence was not helping the already uneasy family dynamic. I cast a quick look at Clare and sipped my drink.

"_Mom, thanks so much for letting Eli stay for dinner_," Clare said breaking the silence and gently touched my arm. She did not reply to her daughter which made me begin to wonder if she was given the choice for my being there this evening.

"_Eli, how do you and Clare know each other_?" Mr. Edwards asked.

I put on my best smile, "_We're in English class together. She's one of the smartest even though she's younger,_" I said looking over at my girlfriend.

She looked back at me, "_And I have a wonderful editor"_

My faced beamed, that was really nice of her to say. I appreciated her complimenting me like that in front of her parents.

"_When we aren't skipping class_" she continued with a smirk on her face.

Wait. What did she just say?

My green eyes grew wider and at that moment I thanked whatever power in the Universe that popped into my mind right then, that I was not still drinking my soda otherwise it would have definitely been sprayed over Mr. and Mrs. Edwards. While I was still trying to quickly formulate a backup plan in case they started asking questions about the lack of attendance in our English class, fate smiled on me as Mrs. Edwards continued with a friendly question.

"_So, what do your parents do Eli_?"

I opened my mouth to reply but Clare immediately jumped in with her answer, "_oh, his Dad is a shock jock…Bullfrog…on solid rock 98. That station you hate_," she said directly to her father.

I felt the wind being pressed out of my chest. My hands were turning cold and my feet bobbed nervously under the table. Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a change on the menu tonight. Instead of serving tacos…my head will be substituted for the main course. Right on a shiny freaking platter! I looked hopelessly at her father, trying to gauge if I should remain where I was or throw in the white flag of surrender and call it a night.

"_Bet your home life must be colorful_," Mr. Edwards said smiling. I gave a small laugh and looked down at my plate.

"_Less colorful, more black_" Clare chimed in, "_Eli even drives that hearse outside"._

"Speaking of my hearse…I would so love to be in it right now. I could just go ahead and lie down in the back since Clare is gladly slaughtering me before her parents," I thought angrily to myself.

"_Why don't we get started_," Mrs. Edwards said moving her napkin to her lap.

We hadn't gotten started already? This was already beginning to feel like the longest night of my life and we had not even begun to eat!

"_Eli, as our guest would you like to thank the Lord for this beautiful meal for us_?" Clare's mother asked as she and Mr. Edwards clasped their hands together in prayer.

I finally found some words to say, "_oh..well..I…uh…"_

"_Did I forget to mention…?"_ Clare started to say.

I looked over at her and saw the wicked gleam in her eyes, "Oh no, Clare, please don't do this. I know exactly where she's about to go with this statement. This is it, the final nail on my coffin. Good night and good luck folks," I thought. 

My silent hoping was in vain. No dice. Total snake eyes.

"_Eli's an atheist_."

Her words hung in the air, they seem to hover over the table, slowly sinking into the minds of her parents as I watched the last of my hope of being with their daughter slide out the other side.

"_Clare_," I said with my mouth still hanging open. I felt like I was trapped in a game of hangman. Clare had drawn the spaces, thought of the word, slowly crossing letters out as her parents sat there trying to figure out who I was. It was too bad that I was the only one seeing the noose being tightened around MY neck. With her wielding her verbal pen, I didn't stand a chance. I never did.

Her mother took a deep breath and Mr. Edwards spoke up, "Never mind, Eli. Helen?"

Mrs. Edwards continued with the blessing. I looked back over at Clare who was sitting there looking very proud of herself as she casually popped an olive into her mouth. I felt myself glare at her. I couldn't help it. I was so angry and hurt. This was not my sweet Clare, and right now, I didn't want to be here.

Part two: After dinner and Clare's new look.


	2. What You Want

After I thanked the Edwards for having me as a guest, I cast a quick look at Clare and mumbled "I'll see you at school" before I let myself out. There was no goodbye kiss. Clare had hurt me and I wanted to leave that place before I ended up saying something so horrible that I knew I would regret it later. As I walked up to Morty, I quickly sent a text message to Adam.

"I know it's late, but if there is any way you could meet me at the Dot right now…" I stepped into my car and slammed the door behind me.

"Sorry Morty. You didn't deserve that. You just have no idea what went down in there," I said aloud. My pocket buzzed. It was from Adam.

"Yeah, sure man. I got really high marks on my science test so my mom is in a really good and generous mood. I'll meet you there in ten."

I drove to the Dot still seething with anger and embarrassment. I went ahead and ordered a coffee once I got inside because I knew that I already would not be able to get any sleep tonight. I was too wound up. A few minutes later Adam walked in. After ordering something for himself he came and joined me at my table by the window.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Adam said right away after looking at the expression that I was no doubt ably wearing all over my face. "I'm guessing the dinner over at Clare's did not go the way you wanted it to."

I looked over at him, "Clare threw me under the bus, and then proceed to get into it herself, take it out of park and use me as a speed bump."

"Ouch." Adam said cringing.

"It was terrible Adam. I didn't stand a chance in there."

"Were her parents mean to you? I mean, you are a little different than what they are probably used to just to be fair."

"No, see…that's just it. Her parents were nothing but nice to me. It was their daughter that was using me for target practice."

"That just doesn't sound like something Clare would do. She really likes you Eli."

"She sure has a funny way of showing it. I really wanted her parents to like me, that way they would be supportive of me dating their daughter. But the way that Clare set me up? I wouldn't be surprise to go home and see my face on flyers with the words "Devil's spawn" written underneath it plastered all over the neighborhood."

Adam snorted and burst out laughing, "sorry, sorry. I know that's not funny. But I was just picturing Mrs. Edwards out there with a giant staple gun. It's kind of a scary and really humorous image, you know?"

I couldn't help but grin. Talking to Adam was helping me feel better but I still felt so unclear about what I was going to do about Clare.

"There are parts of me that know how lost and confused she is right now. All this mess with her parents…she's obviously not taking it very well," I said absent-mindedly tapping my finger against the coffee mug. "But there are other parts of me that don't really care. I'm her boyfriend. How could she treat me like that?"

Adam took a deep breath, "Don't take this the wrong way man, okay? I just don't think she's thinking about anything or ANYONE else right now. She can probably only see her family and how it's all falling apart. Having your parents go through a divorce is a pretty big distraction, don't you think? How would you be able to concentrate on anything else? I don't think what she did to you was right. It was mean, no one would argue with that, but we both know Clare. We know that who she is right now, is not Clare. Be mad at that Clare, but don't give up on the overall one."

The next day:

The talk with Adam had helped me clear my head but I still did not know how I was going to react when I saw Clare again. This morning did not start out well for me. I was sick of being a constant fixture in that detention classroom so I swallowed my pride and put on my new uniform. Red was not that bad of a color and at least the jacket was black…but Elijah Goldsworthy is not a khaki person. I shoved my books into my locker.

"_You were so cute last night_," I heard behind me.

Cute? I thought to myself. Last night was anything but cute. Disastrous…annoying…mortifying…those were words that I would use to describe last night.

"_Was I? I felt more like a pariah_," I said not bothering to cover up the frustration I was feeling.

"_Oh, my parents will just have to deal with the fact that I have a big scary boyfriend_," she continued.

I sighed and asked her, "_how can I even show my face in your house again…_" I turned around and the words just fell from my mouth. Clare was not Clare. She had straightened out all of her curls and had colored parts of her hair black. Her makeup was extreme and she was definitely not wearing any shred of the new Degrassi dress code. She was some punked-out-goth version of Clare.

"_Who are you_?" was all that I could say.

"_What? I thought you'd like it_?" she said wrapping her arms around my neck trying to pull me into a kiss.

I pushed her away, "_Clare! We'll get a detention_." Wow…I must be really angry with her. Did I really just say something like that?

She gave a small laugh, "_so_?"

She came up from behind me and pulled me closer to her, "_come on, live dangerously_!"

I pushed her arms off of me and shouted, "_I don't understand why you're doing all this_!"

"_Because I'm scared_!" she said pulling on my arm. "_Eli…"_

I stopped walking and turned to look at her, "_Of what? Sanity_?"

Clare strong façade was breaking down already, "_I'm scared that my parents are going to sit me down, look me in the eye and say we are getting a divorce and there's nothing you can do about it._"

I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and how her voice was wavering trying not to break out in a sob. I wanted to hug her to me but at the same time, all I could see was red. I was still too angry.

"_How exactly does using me as a pawn in your parental showdown stop their divorce_?" I asked.

Yeah, how does that feel Clare? I thought to myself as she let my comment sink in. I knew I was being kind of petty but I wanted to show her how it felt to be strapped to the wheel and watch as the other person lobbed knives at you.

"_When they're both mad at me, they have something in common!"_ she said.

Her twisted logic made my heart hurt, "_Clare, they've already decided_."

"_And maybe they'll see how it's screwing up their daughter_!"

I thought to myself, You are screwed up. I just can't forgive you right now Clare…you have to see how much you hurt me. You have to understand that I want to be with you but I will not be used as a shield against all the pain you are feeling. Be strong Eli.

"_Well, I'm not playing that game. You tried to hurt them but I'm the one who got burned_."

With that parting comment, I turned and left her standing alone in the hallway. I refused to turn around and look at her…no…that wasn't her. That was some stranger taking place of the real Clare while she was trying to sort it all out.

Clare's POV:

I deserved that. I deserved everything that he had just said to me. I have been so caught up with hurting my parents. I wanted to hurt them as much as they have hurt me, but Eli was right. I hurt him instead.

"Please Eli…don't give up on me," I whispered as I watched him disappear around the corner.

Part three: The aftermath of it all. Will Eli forgive Clare?


	3. Done All Wrong

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews everyone! They mean a lot to me! I hope you continue to enjoy! Again, I don't own Degrassi or any of its characters. Please, let me know what you think!

Adam's POV:

"So, I'll catch up with you after school?" I said to Drew as he finished putting his books in his locker.

"Yeah, just meet me in the gym," he said as he shut the door, slung his backpack over his shoulder and ran to catch up with some of his fellow football players as they made their way down the hallway.

"See you then," I muttered after him. "Bye. You have a great day…Thanks Adam, I will. You too, always nice talking with you," I said finishing the conversation by myself as I watched my step brother begin to pass a football back and forth with Riley.

Since I had no one else to talk to, I decided to walk to science class early in hopes of finishing up some homework questions that I didn't do the night before. There was a double feature horror movie on television; could you really blame a guy for wanting to watch monsters over doing scientific equations? Plus I had gone out to catch up with Eli.

"Speaking of Eli…" I said as I looked up just in time to see him come walking up towards me.

"So, the Man finally got to you huh? Well, it was fun while it lasted, am I right? You know, I really miss being able to wear my beanie," I said jokingly staring at his school uniform. He just stared at me. He looked upset.

"I'm guessing this isn't the time to talk about school politics?" I said looking at his eyebrows that were narrowed down and his mouth pulled tight into a grimace.

"Dude, what happened?"

"I still don't know. I just don't know," Eli said shaking his head. His black hair fell into his face and he brushed it out of his eyes as he let out a loud sigh.

"Did you talk to her?"

"I talked to someone," he replied.

"That's pretty cryptic of you. Let me rephrase, did you talk to Clare today?"

"I tried. Look, I have to go. I'll talk to you later Adam."

I opened my mouth to say something but once again, I was left alone in the hallway. As I turned, I crashed into someone who came rushing up from behind me.

"Ow! Hey…"I said in protest but then looked at the person that stood before me.

"Whoa…Clare?" I said as my jaw dropped open.

I cleared my throat. This explains while Eli looked so upset. I certainly didn't see this one coming, especially from Clare.

"You look so, um…um…" I said struggling to find the words to express what was going through my mind at that moment. After I got over the initial shock of her new choice in fashion I noticed the black streaks that were running down her cheeks. She was crying.

"Oh Adam, everything is so screwed up," she said as she broke out in a large sob. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I stood motionless, looking down at her then back up at all the attention from the other students we were getting.

"He hates me," she said in a soft voice that was muffled from hiding her face in my jacket. "They hate me. They hate each other…"

"No one hates you Clare. Eli doesn't and neither do your parents. They probably…uh…just need time to adjust to your new…um, look?," I said, hoping to make her feel better.

"Did you talk to him?" she asked as she pulled away from me.

"Eli?"

She nodded, "he's really mad at me."

"Well, I can't pretend that he thought the other night was awesome, but he knows you are going through a lot."

"I hurt him and I didn't even realize I had until he pointed it out. I was just so mad at my parents, but he's right, I shouldn't have used him like that," she said wiping away her tears. The bell rang and people started to disappear in their classrooms.

"Look, if you don't want to go to class today, I'll stay with you. We could go for a walk or something," I suggested.

"Thanks Adam, that's really nice of you but I don't want to get anyone in any more trouble," she said.

I looked up at Mr. Simpson who was now approaching us.

"That might not be so easy," I whispered and moved by her side.

"Guys, I'm sure you heard the bell ring. It's way too loud for anyone to miss. You both need to…Clare Edwards?" he said. "Seriously…what is it about today with everyone trying to shock the heck out of me? First my car gets covered with sticky notes, and now this?" he muttered under his breath. He had to blink hard a few times in order to make sure he was not mistaken but once he became composed again he turned back into professional mode.

"Clare, you know there's a dress code now and it's nothing you are currently wearing. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to give you a detention slip that your parents are going to have to sign."

I could see Clare flinch when he mentioned her parents. I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Edwards were going to have a field day when she got home.

"Adam, go to class. Clare, come with me to the office."

"Good luck," I whispered as I took off running towards the science classroom.

This was going to be a long day. I could already tell. What else could happen?

Part four: Will Eli and Clare make up? Or was her behavior too much for Eli?


	4. I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Clare's POV:

I wiped off all the heavy black eye makeup on my eyelids, adding another cotton ball to the growing pile of them on my sink. I really wore a lot of makeup today but that was the point. I was adding layer upon layer, anything to help mask what really was wrong. What I was really was feeling. After I finished I moved onto cleaning off my cheeks that were decked with streaky black lines left by the tears that had fallen earlier.

It had happened. They said the actual words, the ones that I have been dreading for a long time.

"Clare, we are getting a divorce."

Eli was right. They had already decided and there was nothing that I could do about it. I didn't know what I was going to do and the one person who I wanted to talk to, did not want anything to do with me and deservedly so. I wouldn't have either, not after the way I treated him. I didn't even know how I would be able to look him in the eyes again. Oh, those green eyes. I could not get the image of them staring at me filled with a mix of anger, hurt, and even worst, disgust, out of my head. I never thought I would ever cause someone to look at me like that. Me. Saint Clare.

After I finished cleaning up in the bathroom, I went into my bedroom to change. I stood in front of the mirror and began slowly peeling off all of my clothes. The black corset, the ripped plaid skirt, the fishnet tights…they all felt so foreign to me now. They were like a costume made for someone else to wear. Stripped down to only my underwear, I stared at myself in the mirror. Physically I knew nothing was changing, but I still felt so different. I just didn't feel right, like I was put together wrong but I knew that had to be because I was feeling like parts of me were missing. My mom. My dad. My usual stability. And now, Eli?

As soon as I thought of his name, fresh tears sprung into my eyes. My legs wobbled and I let myself crumple to the ground. I was just so tired of pretending to be strong. I was not strong. I was so very, very weak. I pressed my cheek against the hardwood floor of my bedroom and just let myself cry.

Eli's POV:

"This is wrong. I'm doing this all wrong," I thought angrily to myself as I walked down my street. I turned the music up louder, trying to distract myself from replaying over and over in my head what had happened earlier that day. Nothing was helping me. I couldn't lose myself in the lyrics like I am usually able to.

"She is the one who hurt me. She's the one who screwed up this time. So why am I feeling so damn guilty?" I asked myself.

After I said those things to her in the hall and she had offered up those pitiful excuses, it took every ounce of strength I had not to give in and go back to her.

I wanted her to know how angry I was, so why couldn't I just stay angry?

I already knew my answer.

"I can't stand hurting Clare," I whispered out loud as I kicked up some leaves, making them swirl in the wind. After I saw how much I had hurt her with my part in Vegas night, I swore that I could never hurt her again.

Sure, that may be a promise that I could never realistically keep, I'm only human after all, but I felt like I wasn't even trying to keep that promise right now. I've always had a temper. I could blame it on the bullies that I've experienced in my life, or because I had parents who always encourage me to express myself so matter what, or maybe I'm still just really angry about what's happened in my life…whatever the reason, my temper has been my downfall many, many times and I'm letting it happen again. I'm letting my anger get the best of me. Have I learned nothing from losing Julia?

I reached into the pocket of my black jacket, picked up my cell phone, quickly dialed a number and waited as it began to ring. It rang and rang.

"Hi, this is Clare. Sorry I'm not able to answer…" I wanted to talk to Clare, not some voicemail box so I snapped my phone shut.

I started to run back towards my house. My mom was outside putting letters into the mailbox.

"What's the hurry Eli?" she asked as I hopped into my hearse.

"I've got to talk to Clare," as I shut the car door. She nodded in approval. I'm sure she was getting sick of me brooding around the house. She waved as I pulled out of the driveway. I drove over as quickly as I could to the Edwards home. I took a deep breath as I turned off the ignition. I was not in a big hurry to see the Edwards again, but Clare was too important right now, so I swallowed my pride and walked up to the door. I rang the doorbell. Mrs. Edwards answered.

"Oh, hello Eli," she said.

"Hello Mrs. Edwards. Um, is Clare home?"

Mrs. Edwards nodded, "she's upstairs. Please, come in. She's been having a rough day. Maybe you can talk to her?" She opened the door further and I stepped inside.

"Clare's room is upstairs. The second door on your right," she said pointing before she disappeared into the kitchen.

I gave her a quick smile and raced up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I knocked on the door. I heard a muffled voice reply. I thought it said "come in" so I slowly opened the door and went inside.

"Clare, it's me...oh my God!" I said as I saw her. She was lying on the floor, only dressed in her bra and panties.

"Eli!" she shouted scrambling off the floor.

I stood in shock at the sight of her, her ivory skin being set off by the color blue of her matching underwear. My mind went blank but I quickly flipped around so I was facing the door and my back was facing her. I had to take a few breaths.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I thought you said come in!," I stammered.

"Well, at least shut the door so my mom doesn't come in here and sees this!" she whispered loudly. I shut the door quickly and kept my back to her. I could hear her shuffling around, drawers being opened and shut.

"What are you doing here Eli?"

"What were you doing, lying on the floor like that Clare?"

"I don't know. I was just so tired. I think I fell asleep," she said. "You can turn around now."

I slowly turned back around. She was wearing a soft white blouse and pale blue jeans. Her hair was back to its natural curls and she was not wearing any makeup except for the natural blush in her cheeks that I'm sure mirrored my own. She looked so beautiful at the moment. This was the Clare that I knew.

"I came here because I wanted to say that I'm sorry," I said.

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" she asked. "I'm the one who has been screwing up. All you did was be honest. This was all my fault."

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you and say that you didn't hurt me. You did. I felt really used," I took a deep breath and looked into her blue eyes.

"But I also know that you have a lot going on right now that might not be making you think very clearly. I know that I can do and say things when I'm upset that I wouldn't otherwise, why should I think that you don't too?"

"Please know that I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt you," she said wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

"Clare…" I said as I walked up to her. I pulled her arms off from her body and wrapped them around mine.

"Do you still want me Eli? Even after all this?"

"I'm always wanting you, Clare" I replied. "Just do me a favor, no more punk clothing experiments okay?" I said with a smile.

She laughed, "I think I can handle that."

I didn't want to wait any longer. I leaned in and kissed her and didn't stop kissing her for a long time.


	5. Never Think

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long for the update! I hope you enjoy this chapter, although it's pretty sad! All words in italics where taken directly from this past Degrassi episode Umbrella part 1, but the rest was me! However, I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. I'm just a big fan. All of the reviews I have received have really meant a lot to me! Thanks for reading! Reviews are always welcomed!

Clare's POV

I had made up my mind. I rode my bike as quickly as I could over to Eli's house. Before I could let any doubts of what I was doing enter my thoughts, I jumped off my bike and ran up to his door and knocked. Eli answered it right away.

"_Clare? Hey, what are you doing here?"_ he asked.

I took a deep breath.

"_I want to spend the night with you."_

He raised his eyebrows and leaned against the door. We stared into each other's eyes but the concentration was broken when he sighed. I scanned his face trying to read his emotions, trying to figure out what he was feeling. My heart was racing and my breath caught in my chest as more time passed.

This was not a good sign. His answer, if it was what I was hoping, should not be taking this long.

He didn't say anything. He just walked past me, down the steps, and picked up my bike.

"_I'm throwing your bike in the hearse,"_ he said.

"_Why?"_

"_I'll drive you home,"_ he answered ignoring my question.

I shook my head, _"what? I don't want to go home. I want to be with you,"_ I said staring at him.

"_You don't have to do this,"_ he said finally looking at me.

"I want to," I assured him. He didn't say anything back. I felt as if he just slapped me. His silence stung worse than any physical hurt he could have caused me right then. _"Don't you?"_

"_You have beliefs. This isn't who you are,"_ Eli said angrily.

Tears sprang into my eyes, _"I don't know who I am! I don't know anything."_

He looked away from me and I bent down in order to force him to look at me. I took his hands in mine, _"But I know I want to be with you."_

He jerked his hands out of mine and raised them up to his chest. My eyes grew wide and I felt the wind knocked out of me.

"_What is this?"_ I said struggling to form the words.

"_Nothing, I'll drive you home," _he said turning towards Morty.

I had to get away from him. My heart was breaking and I could no longer take him looking at me like that.

"_No. No. You know what? I get it Eli. Don't bother,"_ I grabbed my bicycle and began to walk away as fast as I could. I was beginning to cry harder. I began to run, not caring who was sharing the sidewalk with me. I had to get away.

What had just happened? How did he go from being my "rock" as he called himself, to not even wanting to touch me?

I felt ugly. I felt unwanted and unloved. I didn't want to go home but there was no way that I was going to go back to Eli's house. I wheeled my bike towards the park that I loved. I stormed past the gates and made my way over to my favorite picnic table. I sent my bike crashing down and sat down on the seat. I stretched out so I was lying down on the bench, my face streaming with tears as I looked up facing the clouds.

How could he do that to me? It wasn't the looks. It wasn't his actual words. It was that moment when he wrenched his hands out of mine. That hurt the most.

Was I never going to get a break from hurting? It seemed like just when I was starting to pick up some pieces, they all came crashing apart again. I held my hands over my face to quiet the sobs that were beginning to escape from my mouth.

Julia. The name sprung instantly into my mind. He's not over Julia. He was only lying to himself and to me. He didn't want to be with me because he was still in love with her and I was never going to be her.

My phone buzzed in my black sweatshirt. I trembled as I picked it up. I didn't want it to be him. I didn't want to hear anymore hurtful reasons why he didn't want to be with me. It was a text message from my mom.

"Clare, will you come back home please? We still have packing and I need to go to the store to get a few things and I want you to come with me."

I took a deep breath and wiped my face. I slowly sat back up again. I didn't want to go help my mother pick out things for our new life but I was craving anything to use as a distraction from what had just happened with Eli. I decided to walk my bike home because I needed the extra time to help clear my head, so my mother would not ask me what was wrong.

"Well Mom, it was like this. I wanted to give Eli my virginity and he rejected me in the ugliest way possible," I thought to myself as I walked home. I was never going to tell her what I had tried to do. It was embarrassing enough knowing that I would have to see him again. Maybe Alli's idea of transferring schools wasn't so bad…yeah right, like my parents would ever let me leave Degrassi. They love that school.

Later that night

I lay still on my bed. My room was getting emptier and emptier. All of my furniture was being replaced with brown moving boxes and nothing looked familiar anymore. My phone buzzed at my side.

"Eli" the screen said.

"I'm not talking to you Elijah Goldsworthy. I never want to talk to you again," I said out loud to my empty room. I knew I was being dramatic but I didn't care. My phone buzzed again.

"Clare, you need to talk to me. Please call me back." Eli's text read.

I pressed the delete button and set my phone back down. I finished up my homework which was taking me longer than I wanted it to because I couldn't get a certain pain of green eyes out of my mind.

Another text message.

"Can you let me explain?" it read.

"Not interested Eli…"I said to my phone and deleted the message. I made my way into the bathroom and got ready for bed. After I finished, I stood at the top of the stairs.

"Goodnight mom! I'm going to bed!" I yelled down.

"Alright Clare, goodnight!" my mom's voice drifted back up at me.

I went into my bedroom, turned off the lights, and laid down into bed. I was not at all tired but I forced my eyes closed hoping that I would just somehow drift off to sleep when I heard something hit my window sill. I sat up in bed and looked towards the window. I heard the sound again. I slowly got up and made my way to the window. I looked down at the windowsill and saw small pebbles that were now laying there. I looked down outside and saw Eli standing there. He made a motion with his hands that looked like he was trying to signal me to come down and join him.

My phone buzzed again.

"I know you see me, Clare. Please come down, so we can talk." The message read.

I walked back to the window and stared down at him. My heart was aching all over again. I wanted to go down there to hear what he had to say but I was still too hurt. What if what he had to say was only going to hurt me further? I didn't know if I could take anymore. Especially not tonight.

I closed my curtains and moved away from the window.

"Goodbye Eli," I said.

Next chapter: Will Clare forgive Eli? Why won't Eli let Clare spend the night with him?


	6. It's a Mad, Mad World

**Author's Note: All the lines in italics are taken directly from the episode Umbrella part 2. Again, I don't own Degrassi or any of its characters. I just love them. I hope you enjoy and reviews are always welcomed! **

"Damn it Clare, you are going to listen to me," I whispered under my breath as she came up to me. I was blocking her locker, forcing her to notice me. She couldn't ignore me this time.

My pride was still smarting from the night before when she pull the blinds down while I stood outside waiting for her to come. She never did. I continued standing in the same spot ignoring my body that had begun to shiver from the cold. My teeth began to tremble together but I just shook it off. She was stubborn, but I was too. My persistence was all in vain. She never came down. I finally gave up; I couldn't feel my feet anymore. Winter was definitely on its way. I hurried back to Morty and once inside I turned up the heater as high as it could go. I sat there rubbing my hands back and forth together in order to generate some warmth as I continued to stare up at her darkened window.

"Tomorrow then, Clare…"I said and drove away.

Now here I was, standing at her locker, greeted only by her narrowed eyes and tightly pulled mouth.

"_I spent the night dividing my stuff into mom's place and dad's place, I don't really need a locker stalker right now,"_ she said.

I took a deep breath and continued, _"You wouldn't answer my calls, texts…I thought about smoke signals but…"_

She immediately interrupted not letting me finish my joke_, "what did you expect after rejecting me like that? Or was your ex-girlfriend turned on by rejection?"_

I winced at her words but tried to laugh it off with my usual smirk, _"I know you're going through stuff because of your parent's divorce but your faith…"_

"_Oh! You think my faith is bogus and we both know it!" _she yelled at me. She had me there, called out my bluff, but I wasn't going to let this turn into some theological discussion so I just shut my mouth before something else came tumbling out of it.

"_So, what's really going on here?" _she asked me, her blue eyes looking straight into mine.

"_I care about you, that's all"_ I said trying to sound my best to be reassuring. It did not work.

"_And it has nothing to do with Julia?"_ she suddenly asked me.

I was now starting to get angry. Why had I told her about me and Julia sleeping together? I mean, I knew I wanted to be honest with Clare, she deserved to know the truth, but now…she was not going to let it go.

I sneered, _"Julia is dead, Clare."_

This argument was growing more uncomfortable with each passing moment. I wanted it to end but I didn't want Clare to continue to be mad at me.

"_So? Maybe I would be ruining your memories by taking her place in your bed,"_ she snapped at me.

I rolled my eyes, _"where do you even come up with this stuff?"_

"_Then tell me why, for real,"_ she said pleadingly. _"Unless everything is fine and I can come over tonight."_

I shook my head and looked down at my feet, _"No. I can't. You can't."_

She bit down on her lip then looked back up at me.

"_Then I want my dad's watch back,"_ she said coolly.

Great, I thought. This is it now, this is the end. I was not going to let her see how much her words were hurting me.

"_I brought it home,"_ I told her.

"_It's my father's watch,"_ she said. I couldn't take anymore of this. I didn't let her finish yelling at me, I turned and walked away from her.

"_What's wrong with you? Let it go!"_ she yelled at my back.

I shook my head. She could never know. I couldn't let her see why she could not come over. I would never be able to bear the look in her eyes once she found out the truth. She would never understand.

No one would.

**After lunch**

I had to find Clare. This morning's argument had haunted me throughout all my classes. I couldn't focus on anything except the hurt that she had worn all over her face. Why do I keep hurting her like this? I had to get her to forgive me. Once the bell rang I spent the entire lunch period searching all over the school for her. She was gone or hiding from me, and I was not sure which of those scenarios felt worse. I had ten minutes before lunch ended and I had to get to my next class but I spied her standing at my locker and my heart soared. I quickly walked up to her.

"_Clare?"_

"_Eli, I understand why you were so weird last night,"_ she said swinging her arms by her sides.

"_You're at my locker,"_ I smiled, _"Can I take this as a good sign?"_

"I know sending me home wasn't a rejection," she said moving aside so I could get into my locker. _"It's because…you're messy."_

I looked over at her clearly puzzled, _"I'm messy?"_

"_But don't worry because I'm good with dealing with junk. See?"_ she said as I took the lock off my locker and opened it.

Everything was neat, clean, and organized.

"_So much better right?"_ Clare said, obviously very pleased with what she just did.

Everything was neat, clean, and organized.

"_What did you do?"_ I said, my eyes flew open as I began to scan my locker.

Everything was neat, clean, and organized.

Everything was wrong. So very, very wrong.

"_I just thought you could see how nice it is and then I could help you with your room…"she_ offered.

This was not happening. Oh my God, this is not happening. My mind began to race a million miles per hour. I started to shake as I began moving stuff around. I had to get it back. I had to make it look like it was before. Everything had to go back. Back to its place. Oh my God…

"_How did you…"_I stammered.

This, this goes here. And that, that goes back over here. This was so wrong…that moves back, this, this comes back down here. What if I wasn't doing it right? What if this is all wrong too?

"_Eli! Eli! Don't be embarrassed!"_ she said placing her hands on my back. _"It's just me, we can deal…"_

I couldn't take it anymore, I just exploded, _"I CAN'T! I can't…do you know what this means?" _I asked her. She had no idea what she had just done. This was so bad.

"_Someone's getting hurt,"_ I said as I ran over to the blue trash bin. I ripped off the lid and threw it to the ground.

"_You're not making any sense," _Clare said obviously trying to keep her voice calm.

Tears sprang into my eyes as I started to dig through the trash. I had to get it back. I had to get it all back. You can't throw these away…I have…I have to save…I have to have them…back…it all has to go back. What if it's too late? Oh God…Julia…it's too late…someone else…Adam? Is it all here? Clare? Can I make it better? How much time had passed? Just bring it back…it's okay…just…Mom? Dad?

Clare was pulling at my arm, _"No, Eli! Eli, you have to calm down! Look at me! Calm down!"_

"_I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"_ I screamed at her. She backed away from me.

"_Go away. Just…just…just go away,"_ I said as I went back to retrieving my stuff.

I couldn't catch my breath as I began to pile my arms with everything that she had thrown away. I started bringing it back to my locker, stuffing it in the best that I could.

I could still make it alright. Everything was going to be okay. See? It's all going to be alright…I continued to make the trip back and forth until there was nothing left in the bin.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was some teacher.

"Are you alright son?" they asked me. Suddenly it came back to me. The room had stopped spinning at the lights had stopped moving. I was standing in the hallway and everyone was looking at me. I slammed my locker shut and ran away as fast as I could.

Oh my God…

Clare…

**The Next Day**

I had to see her. She had to know the truth. She had to see that I'm not a monster. Talking about what happened with my mom had really helped me. I didn't want to be a prisoner trapped in my own room anymore. And I did not want to lose Clare, but standing here in front of her house scared me more than when I saw the gleam of the knife as Fitz walked closer to me. I knocked on her door and I let out a sigh of relief when she was the one who answered.

"_What are you doing here?"_ she asked. Her voice sounded calm, so I walked straight into her house before I lost all of my nerve. I immediately walked past her and headed for the living room. She shut the door as I sat down on the couch. She came over and sat on the coffee table across from me.

"_It's stared after Julia died. The not throwing stuff out. Every time I try to throw out something, I feel like I'm going to die or some else is going to. Someone I love_," I explained as my voice wavered in and out.

My hands were shaking. I started to brace myself for the moment she was going to run away. The moment where she was going to tell me that she had had enough. That she didn't want me anymore. And I was not going to blame her for that choice.

Clare surprised me. When she spoke, she sounded kind and gentle.

"_Have you ever heard of hoarding?"_ she asked.

"_Yeah, my mom said she would take me to talk with someone. A therapist or something,"_ I said looking at her. _"I want to change."_

"_That's good Eli,"_ Clare replied giving me a warm smile, _"That's really, really good. If you need anything just ask me okay?"_

"_Here's what I want Clare,"_ I said as her blue eyes searched over my face, _"I want you to not give up on me. You're the only thing that makes me feel like…like I could ever get better."_

She took a deep breath then grabbed both my hands, helping me to hold them still.

"_Then I guess you're stuck with me. Just like you said that I was stuck with you,"_ she said smiling up at me. She suddenly moved right by my side, embracing me in a warm hug. I wrapped my arms tightly around her.

I pulled her closer to me.

"Clare, I'm never going to lose you. I'm never going to let you go."


	7. Better With You

**Author's Note: Hello! I was inspired by Eli's and Clare's parts in the Halo Part 1 episode yesterday and just had to update! When they mentioned going on a picnic, I just knew I had to write about it. This chapter takes place before they show Adam their secret place. I am so grateful for all the reviews and I would love some more! Just let me know what you think! Thanks and I hope you enjoy! This part gets a little steamy…*winks* **

**Eli's POV:**

"Your mind must be numb by now. This is a lot to get through," I said to her. She smiled as she shifted her weight as she sat on my bed holding a brown cardboard box.

"I feel like I'm playing a game. Like, Chutes and Ladders or something. I feel like we are really making progress then I pick up something, something that is hard for me to lose, and I come sliding back down again. It's ridiculously frustrating!" I groaned at her.

"I'm really proud of you, Eli. You've been doing a really good job. I know how hard this is for you but you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Look around you. You have done more than you think," Clare told me. I slowly spun around. All I could see was piles of stuff everywhere except for one small space in the corner.

"See? We are starting to be able to see your closet now, and I think that's quite the accomplishment," she said, her blue eyes twinkling.

"Always the optimist," I said with a small smile. She sat down the box and patted the empty space on my bed next to her. I moved over to her. I sat down and put my arm around her pulling her close. We lay on my bed and just stared up at the ceiling.

"I can't believe you are still here. You must be so frustrated with all of this. With me," I said kissing the top of her head.

"I told you I would be here as long as you needed me," she said peering up at me. "And I meant it."

"I think we should take a break. What would you like to do? It is a Saturday after all. We should not spend it all trapped in here," I told her looking around my bedroom.

"What would you like to do?" she asked.

I smiled and shook my head, "no, no Clare. I thought of going to The Dot yesterday. I want you to tell me what you would like to do."

She bit down on her lip and twitched her mouth to the side as she thought. I love when she looked like that, although usually I see that look when she is trying to think of a clever remark to match my own friendly banter with her.

"Could we go on a picnic?" she asked me.

"A picnic?" I repeated.

She nodded.

"Alright then. A picnic, it is. Let's go raid my fridge and see what we can come up with," I said winking at her.

We both went downstairs. My parents were sitting on the leather couch in our living room watching some concert that was on television.

"There you two are!" my mom CeCe called out. "I was beginning to wonder why it was getting so quiet in there," she said smiling.

"Yeah, have you two made any...progress?" my father asked.

"Oh yes, Eli's room is coming along very nicely," Clare replied.

I glared at my father. I knew what he was asking about and it was not about how clean my room was becoming. My glare had the opposite effect on my father however; it just caused him to burst out laughing. I quickly looked over to Clare and was relieved to see that she clearly did not catch on to my father's double meaning.

"Uh, Mom?" I said. "Clare would like to go on a picnic; do you think you could help me out with that?"

My mother broke into a large smile, "of course. That sounds very nice. Just the two of you?"

"Well, that is if the rest of the neighborhood isn't down with joining us," I said sarcastically.

I was beginning to hate how much of a deal my parents were making about Clare and I being alone together. It was getting annoying.

"Let me go see what we have. Clare, sweetie? Will you come tell me what looks good to you? I think we might even have a bottle of wine left over from our party the other night…" CeCe said wrapping her arm around Clare's shoulder.

Clare's eyes grew wider but she smiled as she was led away to our kitchen.

"I'm going to go see if I can find any spare blankets!" Bullfrog called out winking at me.

I was stuck. I didn't know who to go after. Do I save Clare from my Mom or do I go talk with my Dad? I let out an annoyed sigh as I quickly followed after my father.

"Dad. Look, I appreciate what you are obviously trying to do for me and her…but look…we've already talked about it…we're waiting…" I said as he pulled a blanket down from the hall closet.

"Yeah, this will do the trick. Your mom and I had some good times watching some rock shows together on this blanket," he said handing it to me.

"Just watching shows?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer to my question.

"Well…now that you mention it…"Bullfrog started to say. I held up my hand, cutting the rest of his story short.

"Never mind. I really, really don't want to hear it. Just tell me it's clean and we'll be good to go," I said.

"Oh yeah, it's fine," he said laughing. I rolled my eyes and quickly went to the kitchen to find Clare.

"Bullfrog used to take me on picnics all the time," CeCe was telling her. "We loved to have them in cemeteries. They were always so quiet and peaceful. It would just be me…and him…sometimes a bottle of…"

"That's great Mom. Did we find something we can take?" I said interrupting her as I looked at Clare.

Clare gave a nervous smile, "we found some chips and pop, CeCe is just finishing up with the sandwiches."

"I don't remember where our picnic basket is," CeCe said has she slipped a sandwich into a plastic bag.

"I'll just use my backpack. That will work right?" I asked Clare.

"It sounds great, Eli" she said smiling back at me.

"Hey Clare, why don't you get in the hearse and I'll be right there," I said. Clare hopped off the barstool, gave CeCe a small wave and disappeared down the hall.

"She is such a nice girl Eli," she said watching Clare go.

"I know, but she isn't the most patient one so I think we should go now," I said quickly grabbing the soda, chips, and sandwiches and dropped them all in my backpack.

I really wanted to go before my parents dealt out any more stories…or unwanted advice.

"Well have a good time!" my father's rough voice said from the doorway.

"Thanks. And thanks Mom, for putting this together," I mumbled as I headed out.

"Anything for you two!" she called out after me. I quickly made my way out to Morty. I opened the door and got in.

"Sorry about that. Those two...once they get stuck on something, it can be hard for them to move on," I said explaining my parents actions as I turned the key. The engine roared to life and we slowly backed out of the driveway.

"I like your parents, Eli" Clare said rubbing the back of my neck. "If they were any different, they might be really mad at me right now."

I looked over at her, "why? What did you do?"

She gave me a mischievous smile, "I took your mom up on her offer." She reached behind her seat and pulled out a half-filled bottle of red wine.

"You little devil…"I chided her as I broke out into a smile.

She giggled, "We are not going to get drunk. Or even tipsy. I just thought a little might not be so bad."

"Oh, I see rebellious Clare is making another appearance. And here I was thinking that she only came out on full moons," I joked.

She stuck her tongue out at me before bursting out into a soft laughter.

"So where are we going?" she asked me. I turned to her and grinned. We continued to drive for awhile before I stopped in front of a broken chain link fence.

"Where are we?" she asked as I put the car in park and turned it off.

"Don't worry, we are still near civilization…"I teased her. She got out of the car as I grabbed my backpack. She walked up to the fence and wrapped her fingers over the chain.

"It says Keep Out," she said pointing at the sign. I raised my eyebrows playfully and took an overly dramatic step through the opening in the fence.

"Now who's the rebel?" she asked as she grabbed my hand and pulled herself through.

"Oh Eli, this place is wonderful," she said.

We were standing in front of abandoned church ruins that, from the looks of things, had been forgotten about a long time ago. It was perfectly hidden with tall green trees and thick over brush. Stones and wooden crates lay tossed about on the ground and an old run down car sat idly under a giant oak tree.

"How did you find this?" she asked stepping on the old wooden church floor. She began tracing her hand over the cool stone walls.

I shrugged, "It was on one of my urban adventures. Before I transferred to Degrassi, I wanted to get to know the neighborhood and one day, when I was walking around, I found this place."

"I would love to come on one of your urban adventures. Especially if we find places like this," she said smiling looking up at the large empty window. "Could you imagine when that had glass in it? It probably made a million of different colors everywhere."

"I'm glad that you like it, Clare. I knew that you would. Shall we?" I said motioning over the empty ground.

She helped me unfold the blanket and I began pulling out our picnic provisions. We chatted and laughed as we ate our sandwiches as the wind gently rustled the leaves, sending them to come floating down around us.

She reached for the bottle of wine and uncorked it.

"Shall we toast to urban adventures?" she asked me.

"To urban adventures…"I said and watched as she took a small sip. She passed the bottle to me and I took a drink.

I made a face, "ugh, my parents have terrible taste!"

We both started laughing.

"I would also like to make another toast. To you. For being by side throughout this whole mess. Literally and figuratively speaking," I said with a wink before I took another drink.

"I thought you said it was terrible," she said trying to control her giggling.

I shrugged.

"It's starting to grow on me," I said grinning as I passed the bottle back. She took another sip.

"What about you?" she said.

"What about me?" I asked.

"I think you deserve a toast as well. I'm very proud of you, Eli. You deserve the most credit," she said. I was touched by her words but I couldn't help but role my eyes in disagreement.

"You are entirely too nice of a person, Clare. You know that right?" I asked and smirked when she took a longer sip this time. She smiled and handed it right back to me.

I shrugged and took another sip, "To me. I guess."

She grabbed the bottle back from me. I opened my mouth in complete surprise.

"My, my, Clare Edwards…aren't we a little feisty…"I said my mouth pulling into my usual smirk.

"We almost forget the most important thing," she explained tossing her bangs that had fallen into her face.

"Which is…?" I said holding up my hands.

"Us."

I just looked at her. The autumn sun was coming down through the trees causing the red in her strawberry blonde hair to shine against her pale ivory skin. She looked so beautiful in that one moment.

"To us…" I said watching her take another deep drink. I found myself drinking a little more this time too.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked me after a few moments of us staring at each other.

"Honestly? I was thinking about that scene we did. Romeo and Juliet. The way the sun is hitting you right now, that is exactly how it looked during that scene. That day, I couldn't wait to kiss you…it practically killed me not to do it over and over again."

"And now?" she asked leaning back onto the blanket. I leaned over until my nose was brushing hers,

"I can't wait to kiss you. Over and over again," I told her. She smiled as her blue eyes flashed with excitement. She leaned her head up and tried to kiss me but I stopped her. I pulled away from her and sat straight back up and she quickly mirrored my movement.

"Then again, it could be from all this wine we are drinking," I said smiling at her.

Her eyes narrowed in a playful way, "oh goodness Eli, would you just come here already?" she said as she pulled on my tie, kissing my lips passionately with hers as we laid back down on the blanket.

"I'm glad that you like kissing me," she said breathlessly.

"Am I that transparent?" I said grinning and kissed her again.

She parted her mouth and I took advantage of it, our tongues moved together as I gently moved my fingers through her curly hair. I pulled her body closer to mine and slowly began to trace to my hand up her leg. I reached down and hitched her leg around my hip. I opened my eyes and stared into hers.

"Why did you stop?" she asked, her face flushing with a light pink color.

"I wanted to make sure that this was okay," I said as she lightly wrapped her hand around the back of my neck.

"This is fine. This is exactly what I want," she murmured happily.

"This is as far as it's going to go though, just in case this is the wine talking," I said to her even though I was beginning to feel the effects of the wine take a hold of me too.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to drive for awhile," I told her.

"Then let's stay here…" was all that she said as she kissed me.

There was no way I was going to object to that idea.


End file.
